I obviously don’t have followers but writing helps ease stress. My one year with this amazing man is coming up and IM SO FRICKIN LOST! I want it to be special but he’s just treating it like any old day… Like it doesn’t make a difference what we do or anything. I wish he understood relationships a little better…. It feels so one sided sometimes

I have zero followers but I’m perfectly okay with that. I’m so mentally, not to mention physically, exhausted I can’t even begin to explain. I can’t remember the last time Jaime and I actually spent time together, even privately… There is so much on my mind all the time and I just don’t know how to handle it other than by getting angry. I love Jaime so much, and I’m not intentionally pulling away, I’m just worried he won’t understand why I’m feeling this way. I haven’t even hardly kissed him.. I can only imagine how he feels, thinking maybe I’m not interested anymore and that is definitely NOT the case. I just want to feel normal again, and I’m so lost on how to go about doing that. My best friend usually helps with that, except lately she hasn’t been much of a friend… I’m losing him, and I swear I don’t know what I’ll do with myself if I do… I really need some help, advice, anything to keep me from losing the one person in my life so far that isn’t family, that I can honestly say I would die for. I love him so much, I just can’t lose him…

It’s hard always having one person on your mind so often it’s like playing a broken record in your head. I almost feel as if it’s not the same for him though. When he’s at work I literally jump up from whatever i’m doing when I hear his car pull up, I can’t sleep without his arms wrapped around me, i’m constantly thinking of ways to express what I feel but when I do he doesn’t react the way I had hoped. Maybe that’s just girls but I want him to show emotion! When I tell him I love him he rarely says anything at all back… And that stings deep. He has told me of course, actually cried when he told me… but when I grab for his hand, or anything along those lines he almost pulls back. Does he not like when I show him affection outside the house? He rarely kisses me in public either. Honestly, and I almost hate to say it, sometimes the only time he really shows emotion is in bed…. And that really doesn’t make me feel like the relationship is anything more than wanting sex. I turned him down for the first time and it seemed like he was actually mad or upset… Idk.. I just want him to show me that he cares for me for more than just sex. I never thought I’d fall so hard for him, but I have and unless he’s in this for the right reasons, I can’t subject myself to another relationship based on omissions and false hope and emotions. I pray i’m wrong..

But I’ll write it anyways. I think I finally found him… That one person that completes me. I basically forced him to talk to me too, and I’m so glad I did. I’ve never met someone as patient and caring as him. he amazes me every day and I realized just now there’s not one second he isn’t on my mind. I love him. And he loves me. To me that’s all that matters. Things are different but I think that’s what I needed in my life… Change. Thank you Jaime Raygoza. You might have saved my life when you asked me to be yours.

What this is that I’m feeling… When you walk into the room its like all of the oxygen escapes and I’m gasping for air. When you smile my stomach fills with nervousness and almost becomes over whelming. When I feel your hand against my skin my heart almost jumps out of my chest. When you look me in the eyes I feel safe and secure like the world could come against me and they’d never stand a chance. When you wrap me in your arms, and conform your body to mine, I feel like your most prized and cherished possession you couldn’t live a day without. Waking up to your smiling face is how I’d want to feel forever. are all these possible? Can one person really have this kind of effect on another? I never believed in love at first sight, that just sounds crazy. But ask anyone its happened to and they’ll be believers forever. I was already nervous for the day, scared I was going to make mistakes. Then you walked through that door. It was like someone hit me in the face with a brick. You lit up the entire room it seemed. I couldn’t for the life of me, keep my eyes off you. I don’t know what exactly it was, and I still don’t, that made the little bells go off in my head telling me “that’s him. That’s the man you are going to fall in love with”. You fought it, it took me the longest time to even get you to notice me, but I never gave up. I’ve never stuck to one thing longer than a few days, but I was determined. And I’m glad I was. Because I would have never gotten to know the most amazing person I have ever met. I could sit in your room for hours just listening to you speak. Every minute of every day you are on my mind. If only I had the same effect on you. You finally told me how you felt and it wasn’t quite what I had expected. You were scared of getting your heart broken so you thought it’d be better to stay friends. When I read those words I almost got sick. Like someone tore my heart out and crushed out. My chest ached, the tears just wouldn’t stop. As we were talking I got the feeling you didn’t believe what I was telling you… You thought it was impossible to feel this way after such a short amount of time… Well your wrong. I am in love with you. It was not my intention exactly… But I can’t change how my heart feels for you. Even though you don’t want or feel the same as I do… You as of now, hold that key to my heart. And I will as long as I live, no matter what happens in life, love you with every piece of my being. Love works in mysterious ways, and even if I never hear those words back…. I love you. You’ll forever be tattooed on my heart, because you could make walls melt to me. I hope this helps you understand better… If not, well I can’t force you to love me back. But if you ever decide to change your mind… My love will always be yours for the taking. Xo mi amor may God bless your nights rest with beautiful dreams and restful sleep. I love you… Maybe one day you will love me too.

Some people just make me laugh. Hysterically. So you have your own place, a job, money for groceries, etc. your so proud of yourself, that your living on your own and supporting your boyfriend and yor son…. REALITY CHECK BITCH! The government actually pays for your apartment, your food, your “income” when really you’re sitting on your nasty white trash ass, your 4 year old still in diapers, your “amazing” boyfriend jobless, on felony probation, and addicted to drugs doing absolutely nothing all day, stuffing your disgusting face with as much McDonalds and Mt Dew as possible because your stoned. Now… Tell me, how is it your supporting yourself?! Nah bitch my taxes that come out of my hard earned pay check pays for your life. How is this possible? Why is our government funding being handed out to people who are just plain lazy? why aren’t there stricter limits as to what you can and cannot buy with foodstamps? Why can these wastes of flesh buy alcohol, cigarettes, and even drugs with their TANF money? Providing them “jobs” that pay them more than the people who actually worked for that job? Or how about giving them a free education all because they couldn’t keep their legs closed at 15 and got knocked up. Real deserving people are being turned down for benefits because of white trash like this. Good people, who worked their whole lives and then one day they find themselves laid off their job of 13 years and having to tell their wife and kids they won’t be eating dinner tonight, or they won’t be able to heat the house this month. I’m so tired of our government feeling sorry for these drug addict, white trash whores! Bitch get your nasty ass off the couch and get a goddamn job like everyone else does! And seriously? Your boyfriend who shoots meth into his neck, steals money from innocent people, and lives off donating plasma… Needs to go to prison already. Yeah the one that had two kids by two different women a week apart in age. The world needs to be sterilized of plagues like you. Your son needs to be taken away and given to a family that wants him, not use him as an excuse to get all this funding. And you, disgusting waste, need to be eliminated along with everyone like you. If it were legal to shoot idiots, you’d be in alot of trouble. I hate you with every piece I’d me, I hope karma bitch slaps your nasty face, and you wind up on the street behind a dumpster where you belong. I have more respect for a rabid, mange infected cat than I do you. Your disgusting and pathetic.